


Without Him

by PattRose



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Minor Character Death, Slash, Spirits and supernatural things, Suicide Attempt, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-09
Updated: 2013-11-09
Packaged: 2017-12-31 23:02:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1037423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PattRose/pseuds/PattRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim asks Blair to postpone his vacation, never imagining what could happen because of him.</p><p>Warning: This isn't your usual Jim Ellison.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Without Him

Summary: Jim asks Blair to postpone his vacation, never imagining what could happen because of him.

Warning: Brief B/f  
Another Warning: This is not your usual Jim Ellison. He’s pushed to the limit and can’t take any more.   
Acknowledgments: Thank you to Mary for pushing and pushing me. I almost gave up. I thank you also for the beta. 

Word Count: 10,315

 

Without Him  
Patt

Blair was packing his bags, getting ready to go on the trip of a lifetime with Naomi. Jim walked into his room and asked, "Need any help, Chief?"

"Nah. I'm just trying to get it done so I'll be ready. I've only got three days."

"You're going to have a good time."

"I sure hope so. I'd hate to have paid for the tickets and have a bad time." Blair smiled over at Jim. And Jim walked out of the room without returning the smile. 

"All right, what's wrong?"

"I'm just worried about this fucking case. I hate it. I wish I was leaving, too." Jim sounded so down that it worried Blair. 

"I'll make you a deal, Jim. If we're not closer to finding that nutcase, for the ongoing serial case, I'll meet my mother later in France. Deal?" Blair looked into Jim's eyes and saw a very happy man. 

For the next three days, Major Crime all tried to get one step closer, but didn't. Finally Blair called his mom, from the bullpen. "I'm really sorry, Mom, but I have a case going on here and I just can't leave."

"Honey, Jim can do it, he's just being a baby."

"Mom, I'm not going to tell him that."

"Blair, we planned this all summer long. Now you're not going to go? Everyone said the fall was the best time."

"I'm sorry. I'll be there for the second week. I promise." Blair hoped she would give him a break. 

"You always let Jim have his way. It's not right. You always come second." Naomi ranted. 

"Well, you know what, Mom? It works out. I'm used to that, so it comes easily." Blair spat out before he thought. 

"See? I knew you would say that. He's turned you against me. I'm starting to not like him very much."

"Oh give me a break. The only reason you don't like him right now is because he didn't let you come on to him." Blair was getting ugly now. 

"So are you coming the second week or not?"

"Yes, I'll meet you at the hotel. Be careful and have fun. Call me every night." Blair said, suddenly sad. 

"Okay. I love you, sweetie."

Blair didn't get a chance to tell her because she had already hung up. That was so typical for Naomi. 

Blair walked back out to the bullpen and joined everyone else in the discussion of what was going on. Three nights later, they all caught a break. With some good clues and police work, they found the killer and brought him in. 

"Chief, you go home and finish your packing and I'll fly you to France tonight. Or however long it takes." Jim was so glad to have this behind them. 

"Thanks, Jim, I didn't know you knew how to fly. I'll meet you at home." Blair whistled as he got onto the elevator. He was so excited, he could hardly think.

"Mr. Funny Man, get home and pack." Jim laughed as his partner disappeared behind the elevator doors.

Jim was just finishing up the paperwork when he looked up into Simon's office and saw Simon's shoulders shaking. Jim jumped up and walked in without knocking and said, "Simon what's wrong? Please don't tell me its Daryl?"

"No, it's Naomi."

"Oh god. No... When did you get the news?" Jim was trying to be a hard ass, but losing the battle. 

"Just now. She was killed the second day there. She was mugged and her skull was smashed in. The cops there said she put up one hell of a fight." Simon knew he had to tell both men. "I need to talk to Sandburg."

"I'll tell him sir." Jim was still trying to be tough as nails. 

"I'll come along. He's going to need both of us." Simon locked his office and they left in their vehicles. Simon got to the loft and Jim was sitting in the truck staring. 

"Jim? Jim, are you all right?" Simon asked, fearing he was in a zone. 

"I'm never going to be all right again. He'll never forgive me." He stepped out of the truck and led the way up to the loft. 

Jim opened the door and Blair called out, "You better get moving if you want dinner. I made chili. Oh, hi, Simon. You gonna eat with us?"

"Sandburg, I came to talk to you and it's bad news." Simon walked towards Blair and led him to the sofa to sit down. 

Blair immediately sat down and asked, almost whispering, "What happened to her?"

"She was killed during a mugging. She put up one hell of a fight, but it wasn't enough. I'm so sorry, Sandburg." Simon said quietly. 

"Blair, I'm so sorry." Jim said sadly. 

"I don't want to talk to you right now." Blair walked into his room and slammed his door. 

Jim knew that life, as he knew it, was over. Things would never be the same. Blair would hate him with good cause and nothing could be said or done.

Ten days later they had a service, with Naomi's ashes. She didn't believe in taking up room on earth. So Blair, of course, followed her wishes. It was a lovely ceremony and Blair enjoyed seeing all of her old friends. He had called everyone he could think of. He still hadn't talked to Jim. 

Jim stood looking out the window after the service and wondered why people always seem to die when it was cold, rainy and dreary. Jim realized he hated October. Now it would always remind him of someone he loved, that he killed. 

After three weeks, Blair still had not spoken to Jim at work or at home. At work, he was paired with Conner. Blair walked in the front door one evening and said, "I'm moving. I don't want you to look for me and I don't want to see you or hear from you again. I need your promise."

"I promise." Jim said fighting back tears. 

"Good, I'll be out by tomorrow." Blair went back in and began to pack. 

 

Blair had found a teaching job outside of Seattle. That would be close enough for him to see his friends and far enough away to keep Jim away from him. It was a private school and dormitory. Blair was going to be nothing but a tutor. He would tutor day and night. He was very excited about it. There was nothing like teaching 12-16 year olds. They were like sponges.

When Blair got all of his things packed into his car, he drove off. He never even looked back. Jim was standing on the balcony broken hearted. He knew he would have to get over this and move on. This was his new life. Miserable and lonely, but still his.

[[[[[]]]]] 

After taking a tour of the school and library, the principal showed Blair where he would be living. It was very nice. Small, clean and cozy. He would have everything he would ever need. 

"Does it bother you that you'll be living here in the basement?" Principal Hanks asked. 

"No, sir. Not at all. I'll enjoy the quiet and solitude. Besides, it's a lot nicer than I've had before. Thank you very much."

"Here is the list of the children that will be coming in to be tutored. Here are their records, so you can learn more about them. Good luck and you know where I am if you need me."

 

After about two months of teaching the children, he was studying some of their papers when there was a knock at the door. Blair opened it and found two darling girls, identical twins. They looked to be about ten or eleven years old. "Well, hello. What are your names?"

"I'm Angelina, they call me Angel and this is my sister Rosalina, and they call her Rosa."

"What can I do for you?" Blair asked sweetly. 

"Our mother home schools us and works at the school, so she wondered if we could get tutored while you're here." Angel asked. 

"I'll check with the Dean and see what he has to say."

"He'll say no. Mom wanted us to learn some things she didn't know. We're sorry we bothered you." Angel grabbed Rosa's hand and they left. 

"Girls, come back. Why don't we start tonight? He doesn't have to know." Blair winked at them and realized he was throwing his future away just because they were sweet little girls.

No; there is something else about them that you're drawn to. You can worry about it later.

Every day Blair would teach all of his students and as soon as they were finished, there would be a knock at the door and his favorite darlings would be there. They were the only things that kept Blair going. He missed Jim so much, but at the same time, he hated him terribly. He often wondered how a person could love someone and hate them at the same time. Confusion, thy name is Sandburg.

One day he looked at the calendar and realized he'd been here for three months. It was the right thing to do. He needed to leave Jim and he making it in one piece was proof of such.

[[[[[]]]]]

In Cascade:

"Ellison, get your ass in this office." Simon yelled. 

With his head hanging down, he walked in and shut the door. "Yes, sir?"

"You're trying to die, aren't you? I saw you walk right in front of that bullet. It was a fluke accident that it exploded before it got to you. What is wrong with you?" Simon was so angry he wanted to kill Jim himself. 

"I don't have the senses most of the time and when I do, they're out of whack. I can't control anything, Simon. I miss him so much. God, I miss him. I was in love with him and I never told him that, not that it would have mattered, but I wanted to love him."

Jim sat down in the chair and said, "Simon, can I tell you some thing?"

"You can tell me anything, Jim."

"I tried to kill myself last month. I took a bunch of pills that Blair had hidden so I wouldn't accidentally take any, but for some reason, I threw everything up and the whole time, I heard his voice. I heard him telling me that he missed me. I heard him say he loved me. And then I felt his hands on my hair. And I fell asleep like that."

"Anymore, Jim?"

"Yeah, I've been trying to kill myself for some time and for some reason, it just can't fucking happen." Jim held out his wrists and Simon saw the scars. 

"When did this happen?" Simon asked concerned. 

"Right after the incident with the pills. And when I woke up there should have been blood everywhere, but instead there were bandages. How could that be, Simon?"

"I don't know. Are you still trying to kill yourself?" Simon wasn't sure he wanted to hear the answer. 

"Whenever I think of him, Simon. I'm so lonely. I go home and watch television and hope and pray that Blair will call. I don't go anywhere and I don't have anyone over. All I can think about is Blair. I know he's not thinking about me, but god, I miss him." Jim put his head down and just sat still for a while.

"Jim, I'm going to take you off the streets for a while. You'll be behind a desk until you talk with someone."

"Set it up, I'll go and see them. I can't continue like this. I'm sorry, Simon." Jim headed for the elevator and Simon said, "The elevator's out, Jim."

Simon watched in horror as Jim went to the open doorway and jumped into the open air shaft. Everyone screamed and yelled in the bullpen. Simon walked over and looked down and Jim's foot was caught in a rope that was hanging down off of one of the cables. Simon was beginning to believe about this "I can't die shit."

Simon, Joel, Rafe and Brown pulled Jim up and Brown smacked him on the back of the head. "Damn you, Ellison. You scared the shit out of me."

"Sorry, Henry." Jim pulled him into a nice hug. 

"You did it on purpose." Rafe whispered to him. 

"You'd never understand." Jim said as he walked away. 

"Oh yeah, none of us have ever lost anyone. None of us have ever broken up with anyone. None of us have pain. None of us have loss. Fuck you, Ellison." Rafe walked down the stairs and Jim was right behind him. 

"I'm sorry, Rafe. I'm very sorry." Jim almost begged. 

"You made Henry cry. You made him fucking cry." Rafe was really upset. 

"I won't do it again, Rafe. I promise."

"All right, then. I guess we could try and fix some of this. Want to come to dinner with us?"

"Yeah, I would like that a lot." Jim smiled at him and saw a very concerned friend. 

So that night, he went out for the first time in three months and had a great time. He laughed, drank too many beers and had to take a cab home. Once inside the loft, helaid on the bed and jacked off very slowly. He spoke to Blair as if he was there and kept telling him he needed him and finally came all over himself and the bed. 

Jim knew he was going to have to actually date again sometime. Hell, he wasn't even dating Sandburg. But he sure loved him. He sighed and went down to pee. In the bathroom he saw his spare gun and thought maybe he could do it. It takes a lot more nerve than you think to shoot yourself. Jim didn't want to, but he knew he had to. He had too much fun without Blair. That couldn't be. 

Pulling the gun slowly out of it's hiding place he made sure it was loaded and nothing wrong with it. The best place might be under the chin. Yeah, Ellison, tell yourselfwhere the best place would be. Sighing again, he put the gun under his chin and without a thought pulled the trigger. He heard the explosion and then there was total darkness. Thank god, you've done it. You've finished it. Now you can find Naomi and beg her to forgive you.

Simon's cell phone went off and a child told him, "You need to help Detective Ellison. He's bleeding."

Simon looked down and realized that this little person was calling from Jim's cell phone. Simon rushed over and Joel met him there. They ran up the stairs and inside to find Jim lying in the bathroom. He had tried to shoot himself, but missed. 

"Jim. Wake up. Come back to us." Simon wasn't saying it softly; he was pissed off.

"Simon, why are you here?" Jim asked confused. 

"Because you fucking tried to kill yourself again." Simon screamed at him this time. 

"See? I told you. I told you that I can't fucking die." Jim got up, cleaned his face off and went to bed. It’s my Spirit Guide, I’m sure. 

"What's he talking about Simon?" Joel asked. 

So Simon filled Joel in on what was going on and how odd it was that he kept doing these things, but nothing happened. 

"Maybe we should find Blair." Joel suggested. 

"It might be time." Simon agreed.

Jim walked down the stairs and said, "I won't do it again but you can't look for Blair. I promised him. Please?"

"Fine, but if you do this again, I'm kicking your ass. And did you think what this would do to Blair?" Simon pulled the man close to him and felt how thin he had gotten. 

"I'm sorry, guys." Jim said sadly. “I’m not thinking clearly. I’ll try harder and I’ll see someone.” 

"Jim, who was the kid that called?" Simon finally asked. 

"I have no idea. I was alone." Jim said.

"A child called and said you were bleeding and we needed to help Detective Ellison."

"I don't know, Simon. There are no kids that live in this building. Did you trace the call?" Jim asked. 

"It was your cell phone, Jim."

"So someone was in here but I don't smell anyone besides us. There is no scent other than us. There was no one here." Jim was getting very worked up.

"How would you like to come to my place tonight?" Simon asked. 

"No! What if Blair called?"

"Jim, Blair isn't going to call. He blames you and he's gone on with his life." Simon had to tell him, even if it hurt him. 

"You can leave now. I just want to go to bed."

"Jim, we need to check you in somewhere." Joel said quietly. 

"I promise. I swear I won't do anything again. Please don't let them lock me away." Jim looked and sounded so pitiful that both men fell for it. 

[[[[[]]]]]

In Seattle:

Blair woke from a nightmare about Jim killing himself. He had it a lot lately. But he knew that it was just a nightmare. Jim wasn't the type to try and kill himself. 

Blair went into the bathroom and saw blood and almost screamed. He ran into the kitchen and grabbed the phone. He dialed Jim's number and Simon answered. 

"Ellison residence."

"Simon, why are you there?"

"Sandburg, why do you care?" Simon was grumpy. 

"Where is Jim?"

"Do you wish to speak to him?" Simon asked. 

"No, I just wanted to be sure he was all right. Is he?"

"He's tried to kill himself a few times. Sandburg, he's a fucking mess. Do you think you could at least talk to him?" Simon was trying to be nice. 

"No. I don't want to talk to him. I just didn't want him dead. Goodnight, Simon." Blair hung up his phone, very relieved. When he walked into his bathroom, there was no more blood. "This is creeping me out and I don't creep out easily. Where did that blood come from and where did it go? And why am I talking to myself?"

Blair went back to bed and slept a dream filled night. He kept seeing Jim killing himself over and over again. It was horrible. 

[[[[[]]]]]

Blair woke that morning to a feeling of loss. He realized he really did miss Jim. He didn't know what to do because he also hated him for killing his mom. He was so confused. He considered seeing a therapist. Maybe they could work through this. Who are you kidding, Sandburg. You don't want to be around him. He makes you remember that you didn't say I love you to your mom that last time you spoke with her. So move on.

Blair had been asked by the Dean to teach some classes at the big school, so he was excited about that. He then took care of his tutoring at night.

Every day, week and month was getting a little better. He might not be happy, but better. 

[[[[[]]]]]

While at school that afternoon, a very pretty woman was walking his way. She was a fellow teacher. She walked up to him and said, "Hi, I'm Theresa Michaels. I teach History. Would you like to have dinner tonight?"

"That would be nice. Thank you. Do you have a good idea where to go?" Blair asked excited for the first time in months. 

"Yes, we have a wonderful Red Lobster. Do you like that?"

"That will do me fine. Thank you. When should we go?" Blair asked. 

I can pick you up at your place at 6:00 if that's all right with you." Theresa answered. 

When Blair got home that night, he showered and got ready with more gumption than he had in ages. Finally, she knocked at the door and his mouth dropped open when he saw how gorgeous she looked. 

"How about we sit and visit for a while first?" she asked sweetly. 

"I'm sorry. Come on in." He went into the kitchen and got each of them a glass of iced tea and then they sat visiting and drinking. Blair kissed her softly and she went gladly into his arms. 

Suddenly, Theresa stood up and pulled Blair to his bedroom. In moments, she had him naked and herself the same way. 

"Theresa, don't you think we're going too fast?" Blair said as he panted from her hands working the condom onto his cock. 

She spread her legs apart and said, "Show me how well you can do this."

Blair slid into her and felt the warmth and the tightness and almost came. "You feel wonderful. I've missed fucking."

There was no more talking for a while and then they were both begging the other one to let them come. 

When they were done, Blair got up and made them sandwiches and then they went back to bed. He made love to her three times that night. It was the first night that he didn't miss Jim. Things would work out. 

[[[[[]]]]]

In Cascade:

Simon had been staying at Jim's and he heard Jim howling in anguish. He ran up the stairs and said, "Jim, what's going on?"

"The spirit animals have been together, here, this whole time, the wolf left this morning. My panther is grieving and so am I." Jim had dark circles under his eyes. 

"I don't understand, Jim."

"Blair has taken a mate. He won't be mine ever again." Jim rolled over with his back to Simon. 

"Jim, he's been dating for ages. Why didn't it bother you then?"

"Because I was an idiot. He should have been mine years ago. But I was a chicken shit and didn't think I could do it." Jim got out of bed and started pulling clothing on. 

"So now you're just giving up?" Simon asked incredulously. 

"Simon, he made me promise that I wouldn't try and find him. I gave him my word."

"So are you going to continue to try and kill yourself?" Simon was pissed all of a sudden. 

"No, you don't have to worry about that now. Simon, it's been four weeks and I haven't done anything. I'm sorry for scaring you, but I need to be alone now."

"If anything happens to you, I'll die, Jim. Please don't do that to me." Simon held his arms open and Jim walked into them for the hug he needed. 

Jim went back to work and tried to get his life back on track. It was going to be hard, but he had to do it.

One thing he did do was go out with the gang as often as he could. Rafe and Brown turned out to be great friends and they always had a lot of fun. They saw movies, went out to eat, played darts at the Pub and watched games on the television. 

They had all gotten to the point where they all spoke of Blair now. That was nice. Before they all acted as if he was dead. 

For the first time, Jim felt like he could go on. 

[[[[[]]]]]

In Seattle:

Blair had finished his tutoring and there was a knock at the door and he opened it. "Hi Rosa. Come in."

"Can we come tonight?"

"Yes, go and get Angel." Blair left the door open so they could come right in. 

Angel was watching his face and finally said, "You're in love, aren't you?"

"No, it's the first time I went on a date with her." Blair was finding everything they needed. 

"I think its Jim." Angel said quietly. 

"You think I'm in love with Jim? Honey, he's my roommate and he's not gay."

"We can see it on your face, Blair. You're in love with him. When you sleep sometimes you call his name and you have a very sweet look on your face. You love him."Rosa argued. 

"It doesn't matter. Things have happened. I can't change things." And very quietly he whispered, "He killed my mother."

[[[[[]]]]]

Blair started drinking hard liquor about an hour later and was passed out on his sofa that night. The girls knew they would have to bring Jim up to see him. After a few minutes making sure he was sleeping, Rosa hit the automatic dial on his phone and called Jim.

[[[[[]]]]]

In Cascade:

The phone rang about midnight and Jim got up to answer it. He had been watching an old movie. "Ellison."

Rosa was on the phone and said, "Jim? Blair needs you to help him."

Jim asked, "Who is this?"

"My name is Rosa and I'm a student of Blair's. He needs your help."

Jim was really listening to her voice and getting more frightened. It had an odd sound to it. Like it wasn't real.

Rosa then said, "Why didn't you tell him that you loved him? He thinks you don't."

"I do love him. I'll be there soon. But I need you to tell me where." Jim was almost begging now. 

Rosa gave him directions to the school and how to get to where Blair lived and then hung up. 

Jim started his drive up to Seattle. Blair's school was just outside of the big city. The little girl gave really good directions. 

Jim then called Simon and told him he was going up to see Blair. He explained everything to him and said he would need a few days. 

"You take however many you need, Jim. Take good care of him." Simon hung up somewhat relieved. 

An hour later it was morning when Jim got there and finally found the place. He decided that he would try and keep Blair calm and not irritate him first thing. 

 

Blair woke up and felt like shit. He called the Dean and told him he was ill. There was no way he could teach kids this particular day. He then took a long hot shower and brushed his teeth until they about fell out. 

He felt quite a bit better when he was sitting drinking a cup of coffee and the knock came at the door. He opened it and saw Jim and dropped his coffee cup. Jim picked up all of the broken pieces and pushed Blair down on the sofa. 

"Jim, why are you here?"

"A little girl named Rosa called me and said you needed my help."

"Well, she's fucking wrong. Now I want you to get the hell out of my life. You promised. You fucking promised to never come here." Blair was shouting by this time. 

"I'm sorry. I'll be gone by tonight." Jim walked out of Blair's apartment and felt like screaming. Instead, he did his soldier face and got all stoic, immediately becoming aloof, detached, indifferent and unconcerned. Now this was the soldier boy that dad would be proud of. He decided to get a hotel room just in case something was going on. He checked in and lay down on his bed and rested. 

Jim knew that this whole time, it was the spirit animal's that were keeping him alive. So now that they weren't together anymore, Jim could possibly get away with offing himself and succeeding.

He was so scared. He hadn't been scared in the army or being a cop, but taking your own life was something different. He needed to figure out whether to use pills or his gun. Deciding on his gun, he would have a quiet day alone and then do it that night.

That night, he was hungry but said out loud, "Why buy dinner? You're going to be dead."

He pulled his gun out and began a ritual cleaning. Once it was done, he put the bullets in and set it on the bed. Sitting on the end of the bed, he picked it up and put it under his chin. Jim's hands were shaking and that pissed him off. 

Someone knocked at the door and Jim almost started crying. This wasn't working the way it should be. 

Jim opened the door and Angel walked in and made herself at home. 

"Who are you and what do you want?" Jim asked acerbically. 

"I'm Angel. The girl you talked to on the phone is Rosa, my twin."

"There are two of you? How terrific." Now Jim was sounding downright caustic. Jim watched her and listened and realized she had no heartbeat. That's what was wrong. And her voice sounded wrong, too. Not like a little 10-12 year-old, but more like a 20-30 year old. It just sounded really odd.

"Jim, come and sit up here with me please?" She looked a little scared. 

"Are you scared, Angel? I would never hurt you."

"Jim, you can't hurt me. I'm no longer of this world. I'm scared for you. I don't want you to have to go." Then the poor little girl started to cry. 

Jim took her in his arms and they sat together in a big chair. Before long, they were both asleep. 

Jim woke up once with such sadness and she was watching him. "I love you, Jim. You're a very sweet and pretty man."

Jim couldn't help it, he laughed. "Well no one has ever called me pretty before. I like you too, Angel. I'm sorry you were taken from this world."

"Thank you, Jim. Can we rest some more?" Angel snuggled closer. 

"Yes." Jim wondered why he could feel her and she could touch him. All things he could have asked Blair if he hadn’t screwed up their lives so badly.

[[[[[]]]]]

At Blair's:

There was a soft knock at his door. He opened it and smiled. "Hey, Rosa. Come on in."

They sat together on the sofa and watched a movie. Blair finally asked, "Where is Angel?"

"She's staying with your friend."

"What friend?" Blair was now concerned. 

"Jim. He was going to kill himself and we can't stop him anymore. Our Momma said no."

Blair looking totally confused said, "I don't understand. Why would you have anything to do with Jim and what has your Momma got to do with it?"

"Our Momma was killed years ago and she's still waiting for us. We helped Jim. He would have been dead if not for us. We didn't think you wanted him to be dead."Rosa explained. 

"Where is he? I want to be sure he's all right? Wait a minute, are you saying you're a ghost?" Blair was so confused. 

"We can't tell you yet about Jim. He has to learn to live without you. It might take a long while. And yes, we're ghosts. We can't join our mother because the woman that killed us put a curse on Mama."

"I need to see Jim. Please? I want to see him. I need to hold him." Blair was begging now.

There was a glowing light in the hallway by his bedroom and Blair somehow knew it was Rosa's Mama. She was almost transparent and while she was there, Rosa no longer seemed to be in the room. 

"Blair..."

"Yes? What is your name?"

"Margaret. You have to sit down and listen to me." She led the way to the living room chair. 

Once Blair was sitting, shaking but still sitting, she stood next to him and began to talk. 

"I'm unable to be with my children. I can watch them while they're with you, but if I am here, they won't be. They were beautiful and wonderful children, Blair. They had such promise. Such hope. Such love. All of it was taken away by someone that hated me so much, she put a curse on us all and has kept me from seeing my children."

"Margaret, there is no reason why you can't all be together. There is no such thing as a curse." Blair was trying to explain to her. 

"Tell that to children. They truly believe it, so until something changes, they will be alone."

"I'm so sorry, Margaret."

"I want to tell you about Jim first. He's a good man, Blair. He loves you so much. He tried to kill himself so many times that my children were exhausted from saving him. So I told them they had to stop. I am able to talk to them in their sleep, so that's when we fill each other in on our lives, if you want to call it life."

"I think Jim is a wonderful man, too. But we have some things to cover. You don't know it all." Blair looked so miserable. 

"I know it all. Naomi is here. And she told me that she went out in the middle of the night and got mugged. So you wouldn't have been able to save her anyway. She misses you too, but she hates what has happened to you and Jim. She wants to see you with him, sweetie. That's exactly how she said it. Is this the way she speaks?" Margaret looked sadly at Blair.

"It is just like what Naomi would say. God, can she come and see me?" Blair was sobbing now. 

"No, she's on a different plane. And she hopes that you and Jim will move in the right direction. That way she can go right up and won't have to stay here, like I've had to do. Blair, please think about Jim as your other half and then call him."

"Rosa wouldn't tell me how to get a hold of him."

"That's because you blame him for killing your mother. A man name Andrew Milstone killed her. He is to blame and he will be put to death. Blame him, Blair."

Blair began to sob and she said, "I'll send for Jim. Be well, Blair." And just like that she was gone. 

Rosa was holding on to Blair as he cried, but it wasn't helping him at all. 

At the hotel, Angel woke up and said, "Mama says that Blair needs you."

"He doesn't want me, Angel." Jim said dejectedly. 

"She said he just can't quit crying."

Jim jumped up and started out the door. He held his hand out and said, "Come with me." She took Jim's hand and felt so good to have someone hold her for a change. 

Angel opened the door and Jim followed her in and they could hear Blair's sobs from the bedroom. Jim leaned down to both of the girls and said, "I can take it from here. I'll hold him all night."

"Thank you, Jim." Rosa whispered. 

"Will you help us, too?" Angel asked tearfully. 

"We'll talk about it tomorrow. I love both of you for taking such good care of my friend." And Jim walked down the hallway and into Blair's room. 

Jim got undressed and climbed into Blair's bed and pulled him in close. Blair saw it was Jim and just kept sobbing, but was going into his arms, gladly. They did no talking that night; they instead waited until morning. 

Blair awoke to an erection poking him and smiled. It didn't scare him. He wanted Jim. He had always wanted Jim. But he had been stupid and let Naomi's death get in his way. Blair knew he wasn't ready for sex with Jim yet. He needed to clear his mind completely. 

"Jim, I want to have sex, but could we wait?"

"That's fine, Chief. I'll wait forever."

"Thank you, man."

"I love you, Chief."

"I love you back, Jim. Can I ask you a favor?"

"Anything, Blair."

"The girls want us to look up the woman that killed their mama and ask her to take off the curse. I don't believe in curses and you don't either, but they do. So until that's done they will remain here alone." Blair bent his head down and tears began to fall. 

"Don't cry. We'll fix it. Don't worry. I love you so much."

"We'll talk about the rest of our lives when this is done, okay?" Blair asked. 

"Sounds perfect to me. Let's find out where she is and I'll go and see her while you're teaching today." Jim said. 

"No, we do it together. From now on, we'll do things together." Blair was unyielding.

"I like having my partner back. Thank you." Jim hugged him quickly and moved away. 

[[[[[]]]]]

Jim and Blair each took a shower, first thing, so they could find out about the woman in prison. If in fact she was in prison. They didn't know for sure. 

When they walked out ready to go, the twins were sitting waiting for them. "Can we ride along? No one can see us."

"Sure." Jim answered without a thought.

"Jim, I'm not sure it's a good idea."

"It'll be fine. They're going to wait in the car. They're not going inside anywhere. 

Jim drove to the Sheriff's office first and asked for some information. He was in there for about an hour. When Jim walked out, he had a stack of papers with him. The Deputy gave him full disclosure since he was a fellow officer.

Jim sat behind the wheel and said, "Okay, here is the scoop. She was proven to be insane, like this is a shock to anyone. She's in Marshall Mental Institution. I've got an appointment for us this afternoon, so we'll see her then."

"Wow, that was quick. And the doctors didn't mind?" Blair asked. 

"No. They were glad to see her have someone visit. Girls, you can't go in there at all." Jim warned. 

"We won't. She's mean and scary." Rosa said quietly. 

"I'm not scared of her." Angel said louder. 

"Well, you ought to be. She's nuttier than a pecan pie." Jim said, smiling. 

"Jim, you're so funny." Rosa was laughing. 

"Girls, I want Jim to take me to lunch. Please just stay in the SUV." Blair wasn't giving them an option. 

"Okay. We'll be good." Both girls cried out. 

Jim and Blair went to the diner for lunch and ordered. Once it came Jim said, "Blair, she's fucking looney toones. Do you know that night; she killed six people? It's horrible." 

"She's some piece of work, all right. Thank goodness she can't get to the girls again. What do you think our chances are of helping them?" Blair asked softly. 

"There is no chance, Blair. She's a loon and for some reason hates the girls. I don't know why, but it says here she was in love with their father. Well, where is the father?" Jim wondered aloud. 

Blair glanced through the files and said, "Says right here that he went missing about six months before she killed the wife and children."

"You think she killed him, too?" Jim asked. 

"Like I know. We'll find out. We'll go in there saying he came to us." Blair said. 

"I did mean it about no chance of helping them. Blair don't get their hopes up." Jim warned. 

"Fine. Let's get this show on the road." Blair led the way to the SUV.

"Where in the hell are the kids?" Jim growled. 

"Jim, they're little ghosts, I don't know."

Sighing he sat in the car and said, "So do we have to wait on them?"

"Jim, do I look like a ghost specialist?"

"Actually, you look like a very sweet man. I would love to kiss you." Jim leaned over and kissed him gently, until they heard giggles coming from the back seat. 

"Hey, girls." Blair called out as Jim backed up and took off for the mental hospital.

"You took way too long, so we went walking around. People don't see us, so they say and do things that sometimes they wouldn't want us to see." Angel said laughing. 

"It's not nice to watch people when they can't see you. Knock it off, Angel." Blair scolded. 

"How in the heck do you tell them apart?" Jim asked skeptically.

"Angel has a mole on her left cheek and Rosa doesn't." Blair explained easily. 

At the next stop light Jim looked at them and sure enough, just as Blair had said, she had a mole. "Very observant, Chief."

"I learned from a once observant partner." Blair laughed when Jim smacked him on the shoulder. 

"So Jim, what are you going to do to that lady?" Rosa asked sounding scared. 

"Honey, we're going to do our best, but chances are, she won't help us." Jim decided to tell them now. 

Both girls began to cry in the back seat and Blair glared at Jim. "What? I like people to know what's going on up front." Jim glared back. 

"Well, they're not people, they're little girls. Geeze, Jim. Have a heart. Tell them you're sorry and you'll try harder."

"I'm sorry, girls. I'll try harder." Jim said quickly and the crying ceased. 

Blair sang some sing-a-long songs for the rest of the road trip until they got tired. Jim noticed that when they became tired, they would fade away. He knew that one of these days they would be gone, but he dreaded it. They were wonderful little girls. He looked in the mirror and saw they were gone and asked Blair, "Don't you think they're the nicest little girls you've ever seen?"

"Yeah, I love 'em too, Jim. I'm going to be lost without them." Blair looked at Jim with watery eyes and a sadness that Jim knew would never leave because of his mom. 

"Chief, I want to say again how sorry I am about your mom. I was selfish and had you stay with me. I never should have done that. I'm so, so sorry." Jim sounded like he was the one that killed Naomi. 

"Jim, I blamed you, too, but it wasn't your fault. Margaret, the girl's mom told me she's been talking with Naomi and she sent me a message. It happened in the middle of the night. She just decided to go out on her own. I would have been sleeping. So I couldn't have saved her, either." Blair hoped this would help Jim. 

"So you're not angry with me at all?" Jim asked. 

"Yeah, I'm still angry. But I'm working on it." Blair answered. 

"What are you mad at me about?"

"The fact that I missed the last moments of my mom's days and I didn't tell her I loved her when I talked to her on the phone. I know that's not your fault, but I blame you anyway. I'm working on it, Jim."

Now it was Jim's turn to have watery eyes. He kept his eyes on the road and didn't say anything. 

"You're closing up on me, aren't you?" Blair sounded upset. 

"No, I'm trying to think of what we'll say to this woman." Jim lied so well. "I'm sorry, Chief."

"Jim, I'm working on it. Just let me take my time and get it worked out my way." Blair looked back and saw the girls were back. 

"Hey, girls."

They were both crying and Jim said, "What's wrong. Jim pulled over to the side of the road and turned around. What's wrong, little ones?"

"We can't go any further. Our mama said we'd cease to exist if we don't wait here for you." Rosa said. 

Jim and Blair opened the door and led the girls to a shady area and said, "We'll be back very soon." Then Jim kissed both of the tops of their heads and they held on to Jim. 

Jim got into the SUV and took off down the road. He was very angry. "What kind of a monster allows two darling, precious little children to be separated from their mother and father? It isn't bad enough they're all dead? This woman wanted fucking more?" Jim was yelling at this point.

Blair looked over at him and could see he was trying not to lose it, so he just let him rant. 

They drove up to the hospital and they both got out, went and signed in. Jim had a gun, so they had to keep Jim for a few minutes and took Blair right up.

They had Jim start filling out the paperwork to take custody of his weapon while he was inside the hospital. 

"Chief, you wait until I go with you." Jim ordered. 

"Yes, sir." And he smiled as he walked down the hallway. 

Security took Jim's gun once the paperwork was done. Then they led him up to the visiting area. He wasn't there yet but he could hear a crazy person. Then he heard Blair's heartbeat speeding up. Jim started running and yelled, "Chief, don't go in there."

Jim looked through the two-way glass. The crazy woman was attempting to break Blair's neck. And she was doing a mighty fine job. Jim would never get to him in time. She pulled her arm tighter when a guard's gun went off. She fell to the ground along with Blair. Jim resumed his jog to get to Blair. When he got there he saw that the woman was hurt, but not Blair.

"Chief. Wake up for me."

"I'm awake. She was so fucking strong, Jim." Blair grabbed on to Jim and held on for dear life. 

The EMT's came in and took the woman to the hospital. Jim wanted to shoot her outright. 

Jim collected his gun and then they went and sat in the SUV. They both just sat. Not a word was said for the longest time. 

"Chief, do you ever listen to me? I asked you to wait for me." Jim was upset. 

"I was waiting and the guy came and said, "I either saw her now, or never. I was doing the job, Jim."

"Fuck the job. She almost killed you."

"Jim, this is my job. How can I be your partner if you don't trust me to take on problems alone?"

"Chief, I trust 'you', it's the weirdo's I don't trust." Jim was still ranting. 

"We have to go get the girls." Blair tried to change the subject. 

Jim drove in silence, upsetting Blair all the more. He knew that he had blown everything. When they drove up to the area for the girls, they were waiting by the road. 

Jim got out and opened the back door for them and got them buckled in.

"Jim, why in the world would you put a seat belt on someone that isn't alive?" Blair whispered, really needing that answer. 

"I forget. So sue me." Jim took off driving and again there was silence. "And I think that's rude that you say they aren't alive."

"Sorry, girls." Blair called out to the back seat. 

Rosa said, "Jim, are you mad at us?"

"Never mad at you two. Never."

"So you're mad at Blair?" Angel asked. 

"It's not a big thing. We're just arguing." Jim answered. 

"Blair, is he going to leave you now too?" Angel asked. 

"What do you mean, now?"

"I think they mean, like Naomi left me." Blair sniffed. 

"No, girls. I'm not leaving Blair. Blair, I love you. I'm not leaving you." An emotional Jim answered. 

This time Jim pulled the vehicle over so he could hold Blair and he just held him for about ten minutes. Jim almost fell asleep waiting for him to feel better. 

He got Blair's seat belt put around him again and then he did his own and took off.

Angel said, "You didn't kiss him."

At the stoplight Jim leaned over for a kiss. "I love you, Blair."

"Thank you."

"For loving you? You never have to say thank you for that. I should be thanking you for the rest of my life for allowing me to love you." Jim kissed him again. 

"He's mushy, isn't he girls?"

"Yes he is, but he's very cute." Angel said. 

"I think he's cute too." Rosa said. 

Angel finally asked, "So what happened at that hospital?"

"She tried to kill Blair and the guard shot her. She's in the hospital right now." Jim explained. 

"I'm sorry, Blair." Rosa said.

"Not your fault, Sweetheart." Blair responded. 

"So we don't ever get to see our mama?" Angel sadly asked. 

"I'm going to the hospital later on and see how she's doing and see if I can talk to her." Jim said. 

"I'm going, too." Blair wasn't asking him, he was telling him. 

"Okay, partner." Both men smiled at each other.

[[[[[]]]]]

Once they all got back, they went into Blair's apartment and waited for whatever was going to happen. Blair finally said, "Jim, will you keep the girls company? I'm going to rest. I'm very tired all of a sudden."

"Sleep. I'll be here when you get up."

Jim listened to Blair's sleep patterns and knew that he was sleeping hard. He looked at the girls and saw them skipping rope and laughing and realized they were fading. The girls were fading.

"Blair." Jim hollered. 

Blair came running out and saw the girls fading into the room and he kept wiping his face. He was going to miss them so damn much. 

"We'll miss you, Jim and Blair, but we're going to see mama." Rosa said happily. 

"Goodbye, Jim and Blair. We love you. Remember us forever?" Angel asked. 

"Forever." Jim said with tears running down his face.

"Goodbye, my precious darlings. I'll never forget you. You were my best and brightest pupils." Blair leaned into Jim as they faded more and were gone. 

"Why did that happen? What are we going to do?" Blair was so upset he couldn't even think. 

"I would say that woman that tried to kill you died, and the curse was off."

"I can't believe you even considered that story."

"Chief, I'm a friggin' Sentinel. If I believe that, I should believe more. You're going to have to work on me. Okay?" Jim kissed him quickly and pulled back. 

Jim watched the glowing light in the hallway and knew that something was happening. He pulled Blair closer to him, not because he needed to protect him, but because the big bad Sentinel was scared. 

"Chief, something's going on and it’s scaring me." Jim whispered. 

Blair looked over his shoulder and he said, "It's Margaret. She's wonderful, Jim. Wait until you see her. She's full of love and goodness. But I think it's great that you're scared."

Jim glared at him making Blair laugh. "What I mean, is I think it's great that you can tell me that and come to me."

"That's better. I would say this is Margaret?" Jim asked looking up at the beautiful woman. 

Jim would think about it later and wonder. How do you describe how a ghost moves? She didn't walk. She didn't glide, she just was. Pure grace and gentleness poured off of her being. 

"Blair and Jim, thank you so much for taking care of our little girls. They have been able to see their daddy, too. I will be able to join them soon. I can't thank you enough."

"Margaret, we were glad to help you. I'm so happy that the children are going to be with you both." Blair radiated love and caring for her. 

"I have something for you, Blair. You must close your eyes the entire time, or it won't work. Do you promise?"

"Yes, Margaret, I promise."

"Lean back, close your eyes and listen to your mother."

Blair grabbed Jim's hand and was crushing it as he listened. 

"Blair Honey, I'm so sorry that this has happened. I wasn't thinking, as usual. I went out in the middle of the night and didn't take anyone with me. It was my own fault. I'm so sorry to both you and Jim. I miss you both. Do you love Jim, Blair?"

"Yes, Naomi. I love him."

"Then don't miss out on it. I missed many happy life choices that I could have made. I have to pay for them now. I'm so proud of you, sweetie. You take care of Jim and remember that just because he's bigger, doesn't mean he doesn't hurt. Okay?"

"Okay."

"I love you, Blair honey. Don't ever forget me."

"I won't, Mom. I love you. I meant to tell you that day before you left." Blair said softly. 

"I know, it was what was keeping me here. I've heard it now. I love you."

"You can open your eyes, Blair. I've got to go and join my family. Thank you both again for loving them."

"Goodbye, Margaret." Jim sadly called out. 

"Goodbye." Blair wanted to cry. 

They both looked up and she was gone. "Jesus, I'm going to miss them all." Jim was so sad and Blair realized this is what Naomi was talking about.

"Come here, big man." Jim moved into his arms and Blair held him closely and tightly. It was just what Jim needed. He didn't need to cry, he just needed someone to help him stay strong. Jim absorbed strength from Blair. This is how it would have to work from now on. One of them had to stay strong. 

Both men got up and walked into the bedroom for the night. There was no sex, they were still too sad. Blair kissed him and said, "We have the rest of our lives, right?"

"Oh yeah." Jim answered. 

[[[[[]]]]]

Jim woke to a wonderful sight. Blair was lying next to him in the early sunlight. He continued to stare at his love and waited for Blair to wake up. 

Blair finally opened up his eyes and said, "What are you staring at?"

"You! You’re gorgeous." Jim smiled. "Chief, I'm so proud of you teaching again. I could tell from all of the kids that you were very good at it. So I'm going to give my notice and see if there isn't some type of job around here for me. What do you think of that?"

"I want to go home, Jim. I really want to go home. I loved being your partner."

"You want to be a cop again?" Jim was trying not to touch Blair.

"Jim, man, go ahead and touch me."

"You got it, Baby." Jim slid Blair’s boxers down and started fisting Blair's cock until he could feel how close his love was getting. 

"Chief, can I be inside of you?"

"Yes... Now... I'm right there."

Blair handed Jim some lotion and Jim stretched him out and slid in slowly. "I love you, baby. You feel so good. So hot and tight, that I never want to leave." He started fisting Blair in time with his thrusts inside of him and finally Jim yelled, "Blair, come with me now, baby."

"Jim... Jim... Jim..." And Blair came. Jim threw back his head and howled into the air. He wanted everyone to know how great Blair made him feel.

They lay there for a very long while, not wanting to break the connection.

"How about a shower?" Blair asked. 

"Lead, I'll follow." Jim swatted that sweet butt as he walked by. 

While they were in the shower, they decided to finish some of their talk. 

"So do you mind if I come home? Is it still my home?"

Jim pulled him into a smothering hug. "Chief, it's always going to be your home. Never ask that again. And yes, I want you back."

"Good, because I really missed you and I needed to be with you."

"Same here." Jim answered. "I want to be committed."

"Jim, I think we lost our way a little, but we're not that far over the edge."

"Smartass, you know what I mean. I want to commit to you. I want the world and you to know that I belong to only you. Will you marry me?"

"You are so romantic, Jim. Yes, I'll marry you. I love you so much. We'll come out to all of our friends and family, right?" Blair still seemed a little scared about some things. He would have to slowly work on everything.

"Yeah. We're going to tell everyone, Chief. If my family doesn't like it, it's too bad." Jim pulled Blair in for a huge kiss. 

"Who's going to be your best man?" Blair asked. 

"I don't know. Hadn't thought about it."

"I think I'd like your brother Steven to be mine."

"Why?" Jim honestly was confused. 

"Because he's always been so nice to me and once he told me to come right out and tell you how I felt. He could tell I was in love with you."

"That would be nice then. Maybe I could ask my dad to be mine. Would that bother you?" Jim looked nervous. 

"No, that would be cool, man." Blair was getting excited. 

"We could have it catered and hire musicians. I'm even getting excited, Chief."

"Alert the news media." Blair giggled.

"You are a certifiable smart ass.

"Jim, can I make love to you?"

Jim stared at him and said nothing. "I'll think on it, all right?"

"Yeah." Blair got out of the shower and dried off. Jim knew he had just fucked up already. 

When they were both dressed and sitting in the living room Blair said, "I've decided maybe it's better for me to stay here alone. Jim, I can't be with you."

"Because I won't let you fuck me? Give me a break. I'm just nervous." Jim said. 

"You don't think I was nervous? I was scared to death. But you know what? I'm not sure how I feel about you. So we should call it quits now." Blair started packing Jim's things in his bag. "I can't believe we were discussing a commitment ceremony."

"You don't love me?"

"Yes, I love you, but I don't know how much. I think you have to love someone a lot to last a lifetime in marriage." Blair answered. 

"You can think on it, Chief. Please? Don't make me leave." Jim had Blair by his shoulders and was begging. 

"I'll think on things for a week and then I'll make my decision." Blair walked into the bedroom and lay down hoping that Jim would just leave him alone. 

Jim took his clothes off, slid into bed and said, "I do want you to make love to me. I was scared. I'm so fucking scared these days. Will you make love to me now?"

Blair started kissing him and stretching his anus out at the same time. He was also fisting Jim's cock making Jim want to come right away. "Feel good, Jim?"

"God, it feels wonderful. Fuck me, Blair."

Blair slicked his cock up and slid slowly into Jim, and let Jim get used to him the entire way in. "Oh Jesus, you're making me feel so good. So fucking good."

"You belong to me, Jim, only me." Blair continued to pound into Jim's ass, making Jim call out Blair's name. 

Both men fucked one another all day long. They couldn't get enough of each other.

"Chief, I think this has been one of the best days of my life. I love you so much. And you made me feel so good, both ways."

"Back at ya, man. I do have to tell you that you have the nicest ass I could ever hope to be inside of." Blair kissed Jim as he spoke. 

"I'm glad you liked it, babe."

"Oh I more than liked it. I plan on being in there again tonight." Blair smacked Jim's ass and smiled. 

"So when are we going home?" Jim finally asked. 

"Tomorrow?"

"Sounds good to me. We'll call Simon from the loft and tell him you'll be back. He's going to be so glad." Jim was excited. 

"How about we pack tonight and leave in the morning?" Blair asked. 

"Sounds good to me."

Blair talked to his supervisor at the school. He explained to him about how he was going back to what he was meant to be.

Packing was easy enough, with not too much to take back to Cascade. Once they were done they showered for bed and slid into the bed together. 

"What did you think about most when we were separated?" Blair asked Jim. 

"I kept wondering what I was going to do without you. I said to myself every single morning and night, "Ellison, what are you going to do without him. You’ve failed him."

"I was really busy feeling sorry for myself, so I felt nothing but anger and so on. I'm sorry, Jim."

"We're past that, Blair. It's time to move on. I don't have to be without you, so now I can be with you. I want this to be my life." Jim smiled at Blair and kissed him. 

Both men figured that life would get easier as time went on. And they were right.

"Blair, did I mention that my senses are all back online again?"

"No, but I'm thrilled. That must have been awful."

"It was hard because one minute they weren't there and then next minute, they were like 100 times what they should be." Jim exclaimed. 

"When we get home we're going to work on some tests and get you back up to running speed. I want you in top form. And I'm not talking about in the bedroom. And do I have to mention you’ll be seeing a therapist about wanting to end your life so often?" Blair teased.

“Already figured that one out, Blair. Thank you for standing beside me, guiding my way.” Jim knew that things would work out and they would be happy forever.

Neither man would have to worry about being without him.

End: Without Him


End file.
